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How to Grocery Shop Like a Man
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Posted by: jpmadman

'How to Grocery Shop Like a Man,' by Pacman Jones

PACMAN JONES
Special to Gump4Heisman.com

Alright. First off, do not fucking laugh at the Pacman for being suspended. Because that is some bullshit. If you talk shit about Pacman being suspended, Pacman will suspend your wife from his penis.
But Pacman, you say, I am not married. Does that mean I am free to talk mad shit about you?
Naw. Hell naw. Pacman can suspend mothers, stepmothers, fiancées and lady-friends from his penis too.
Besides, y’all should not talk down on Pacman. Yes, the Pacman has fucked up. This I know bitches, this I know. But now Pacman is trying to help, because Pacman ain’t got shit else to do. Pacman is tired of sitting at home and whipping out his manflesh to DVD porn. So Pacman thought, ‘why not help out the fellas?’ And while I was in the store the other day, I thought ‘there are some ass-sissy man-bitches running around this place.’ Somebody ought to learn they ass how to grocery shop like a man. A man’s man. A Pacman.
So here is Pacman’s guide to “How to Grocery Shop Like a Man” :

Proper behavior when first entering store.
Step the fuck away from that pushcart. A man uses the motherfucking carry crate. You know what I’m talking about, that small-ass thing what looks like a E.T. cradle or some shit. For now, we will call this your man-crate. I repeat: Do NOT grab a pushcart. You grab a pushcart, you might as well ask what isle the pink glittery dildos are on. Because you will be outed. As a queer-ass bitch.
You got a lot of shit to buy? Pile it up. And make that shit work. Because a man ain’t a man if a man ain’t a handyman.
Pacman-Pointer: A cart says “Hello. Where can I find the multi-pack tampons and strawberry yogurt?” A crate says “I’m here for some motherfucking condoms and a six pack.”

What do I call it when I go to the store?
Ok, so now you think you shoppin? You ain’t shoppin. Shoppin don’t sound manly. It is called “Pickin’ shit out.” What’s the difference between shoppin’ and “pickin’ shit out?” Two nuts and an adam’s apple.
What do I call the “shit” I am picking out?
One thing you will need to learn about Pacman: Sometimes, I like to put the word ‘man’ in front of things. Y’know, to make shit sound better. You on isle 6. It ain’t a Triscuit. It’s a man-cracker. You grabbin’ some Chef-Boyardee? Fuck that. You grabbin’ some man-pasta. A Pop-Tart? A man-cookie. See where the Pacman is going? Now you try it.
But be careful. Some shit needs to stay put. Because when you lookin’ for OJ, you don’t want to be askin’ no dude in a white apron where you can find some man-juice.
What if I accidentally take a wrong turn and find myself in the ladies-only isle?
This is a delicate-ass situation. Pacman just pulls his phone out and acts like he didn’t see the isle sign because he was too busy sendin’ pictures of his junk to hot-ass strippers. And don’t call it frontin’. In a situation like that, a man has to front. How else you gon’ explain how you the only motherfucker in that isle that’s NOT on the rag?
Pacman’s advice on how to handle the Frozen Foods Section.
Rule #1: Do not shiver. Even when you all leanin’ in to get something from the back. The only two times Pacman says it’s OK to shiver are A) When you havin’ a ‘gasm, and B) When you seein’ a dude be pink with another dude. Because that’s just fucked up.
But Pacman, isn’t that considered homophobic?
Who the fuck picked these questions? You usin’ words with like, what, fourteen syllables? Have you ever even seen a vagina? Because dudes that get pussy use three syllables max.
Milk-buying: Am I a little bitch to buy skim?
Yes. Fuck yes.
But Pacman, my wife says it’s better for me.
Yea? Well so is everyday-sex. You gettin’ that? Pacman didn’t think so.
Can I shop the organic section?
Sure you can. Under one condition: that you put down your man-crate, go get a push cart, and then skip across the store singing songs from “Grease” and ramming your cart into dudes. What is Pacman trying to say here? If you gon’ shop like a sperm-gurgler, you bes' act like a sperm-gurgler.
But isn’t it kind of ridiculous to say that being healthy is being unmanly?
What’s ridiculous is that you askin’ Pacman all these bolded-ass questions. Pacman does not answer questions. Unless they are from bitches. And even then, the questions have to be shit like ‘Hey Pacman, should I have sex with you at this exact moment?’ or ‘Pacman, is it true that you gave my friend Tiffany the donkey punch?’ In that case, the answer is ‘Yes.’ In your case, the answer is ‘Fuck you.’
Pacman, how should I handle looking at women I find attractive?
Handle? What the fuck is there to handle? Just look, motherfucker. And don’t be using terms like ‘women I find attractive.’ That is some Bryant Gumbel shit.
Pacman, how should I handle looking at hot-ass bitches I want to go dippin’ in?
Much, much better. Props from the Pacman.
Wait a minute Pacman. Isn’t that kind of demeaning towards women in general?
What? What did you ask the Pacman? You an undercover lesbian? Is your lady reading “Pacman’s Guide on How to Grocery Shop Like a Man?” over your shoulder? Did she tell you to ask the Pacman that question? If you have to give her an answer, tell her ‘yes.’ Then grab your laptop and tell her you have to go do manly things that include, for one, not be a queer-ass bitch.
I’m getting the feeling this is an uneducated way to shop.
Oh hell naw. Listen bitch. Pacman used to have a backpack. You know why? Because Pacman went to fucking college. And Pacman will talk about shit – including football, groceries and your momma’s vagina – as he sees fit. You don’t like it? You want to read some informative female shit? Then go read Greta Van Susteren’s Guide on “How to Grocery Shop Like a Hare-Lipped Bitch.”
And yo. I told you. It’s not “shop.” It’s “pick shit out.”
But Pacman, didn’t you use ‘shop’ in your title?
Yea. Yea the Pacman did. I had to start somewhere. And you gotta learn to crawl before you can learn to spit game like the Pacman.
Well how much meat should I buy?
Pacman usually says fuck the math. But in this case, Pacman has a ratio. 2:1. That means out of everything you put in your man-crate, the meat has to outnumber everything else 2-to-1. You buyin’ a 4-pack of razor blades (man-scalpels)? That’s 8-lbs. of ground beef. You got a 2-pac of Tums (man-candy)? That’s a four-pack of NY Strips. And so on and so forth. Pacman prefers red meat, but 2:1 law applies to chicken and pork too.
But Pacman, you misspelled ”2-pack.”
Oh fuck no I did not. Everything that comes in twos is called a “2-Pac.” This is how Pacman pays tribute. For extra man-points, call things that come in extra large sizes a “Biggie.”
So Pacman, what do I do with all that meat?
Wow. Are you baking a motherfucking casserole or something? Because a man would not ask that question.
You grill, bitch. You grill. A man will find a way to grill at all times. Pacman once grilled out for 48 straight hours. While he was having a three-way. With two strippers. At his family reunion. See? That got Pacman all kinds of man-points. After that, Pacman could have gone fairy dancing on ice skates and still been the manliest dude in his area code.
Let me ask you this? You ever flipped over a burger, and a stripper, at the same time? No? No. Because that’s what makes a man… a Pacman.
Pacman, I have a problem. I have a case (24-pack) of beer, and my freezer doesn’t even have room for 48-lbs. of ground beef.
A case? I hear ya playboy. Did you like Pacman’s 2:1 rule at first? Wait until you hear this. Beer don’t count. If you buyin’ beer, you ain’t gotta buy shit else. You can. But you ain’t gotta. A man don’t ever have to justify buying, or drinking, beer. Ever. Beer is good for anything. Before a funeral? OK. At a funeral. OK. A kid-parent school conference meeting? Well which one is you: the kid or the parent? Exactly. Your kid’s graduation? It’s a celebration ain’t it?
Buy as much motherfuckin’ beer as you can fellas. Because that’s the only trump card in the Pacman arsenal.
So I’ve picked out all the “shit” I want and I’m ready to leave.
Motherfucker. You ain’t ready to leave until Pacman says you ready to leave. When you for-real shoppin, a man can’t leave the grocery store without getting digits. It works like this. If you there for 20 minutes, you gotta get one set of lady-digits. 40 minutes? Two sets of lady-digits. 60 minutes? Three set of lady-digits. 80 minutes? You ain’t got no business spending that long in any goddam store. Get the fuck out now (don’t check out) before you start wantin’ dude-digits.
It don’t matter who the bitch is. 110 lbs, 310 lbs. She could be 48. She could be 18. Just do what you gotta do to get them digits.
But Pacman, her boyfriend/slash husband is right there.
Well, you got two hands ain’t ya? Enter her digits with one hand, and chokehold that motherfucker with the other. ‘Sides, if his bitch always gettin’ him to go tag-along grocery shoppin, he shouldn’t be no problem, so sayeth the Pacman.
Okay Pacman, I’ve got my lady-digits and I’m checking out. What now?
Yo bro. Listen hard. This is the most important shit. Look straight ahead while you checkin’ out. Or even better, if there is a hot-ass bitch in front of you, just stare at her ass the whole time, even if she notices. Because, whatever you do, do not be glancin’ at the bitch-rags they got all up front. You know what I mean: the girl-ass magazines what be talkin’ all about Britney Spearses haircut and shit. Guess who cares what kind of fucking haircut Britney Spears has? A bitch.
I mean it. Here’s where they be tryin’ hard to catch you slippin’. Just look away bro. Do whatever you have to do. Pretend like you countin’ your groceries. Pop yo knuckles. Text-message strippers. Anything. Just be a man.
Any other pointers on checking out?
Nah, you pretty much done now dog. But, you wasted this much time pickin’ shit out already. Now it’s back to bein’ a man. As soon as Pacman enters in his pin number, he begins the process of getting’ laid. Textin’ strippers, callin’ bitches, hollerin’ at hoes in the checkout line, whatever. Who says you can’t make it rain in the parking lot? Does Pacman say that? No. Pacman does not say that. Just handle ya business playa. And make the Pacman proud.
------
So I, the Pacman, hope the Pacman has helped all you non-Pacmans in the crowd learn how to “pick shit out” when you in a grocery store. Pickin’ shit out in the grocery store can be tough for manly-ass dudes. But with a little small-time help from a big-time baller, you should be struttin’ yo self on isle twelf in no time.
Good luck bitches. Pacman out.

Posted by: Xerxeese

Dont you drink skim milk ? hehehehe

Posted by: jpmadman

2%

Posted by: Mustang5L5

That was fuggin funny

Posted by: damego101

who the fuck is pacman?

Posted by: jpmadman

yo, you dont know the pacman ! what da fuck man ! lol

Posted by: bullitt5177

That was fucking awesome.

Posted by: Mustang5L5

Don't mess with Pacman!!

Posted by: UltraMustang

LOL that's pretty nice!